Lately I’ve been working on being more vulnerable in my relationships with people and as a yoga teacher. I’ve been making eye contact with students, having longer one and one conversations with new clients, softening my posture as I stand in front of the room, not repeating my movements and so on. To keep myself accountable I’ve been asking my fellow teachers to give me feedback on their experience of me when I teach and if they felt that I’m embodying vulnerability. Unfortunately, when I would ask each teacher, I came back with mixed messages. Some people said yes, some people said no. Everyone had their own opinion about my progress. My response to this? Total frustration. I was hoping that my feedback would be consistent because I felt more open and that I had softened. I took it as a failure, went home and cried.
And then I had a aha moment.
For a long time I’ve been looking to other people to validate me. My thoughts. My instincts. I needed another person’s agreement to ensure that I was right about what I thought and could trust how I felt in any given situation. I would feel something instinctually and then have to ask five friends if they agreed with me to make sure I was “right”. Since I’m an intuitive person you would think I’d have no problem trusting myself. Well. I have a strong intuition yes. I also have a lot of fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of putting myself out there and getting hurt. Fear that someone won’t like me. Fear that I am crazy. Because of that, I look for agreement that usually doesn’t come and I feel even more confused or deflated.
So after my post yoga melt down, i had this thought. Maybe, instead of needing someone to tell me I was more open or vulnerable, I needed to trust that if I feel that, I am. Maybe I didn’t need someone to tell me I’m doing the work, to know that I’m doing the work. That not everyone sees things the same way. And maybe, there is no maybe. Trust. I had to trust in my own process.
Ultimately I know I’m on the right track and am making progress in my personal transformation. What’s important here and why I wanted to share this with you is this. We all have moments of self doubt, of not knowing which decision is the right one. That is the best time to get still, get quiet and turn your attention inward. Listen. Trust that whatever you decide is exactly what you are supposed to do.