We as humans are creatures of habit. We like our routines. We like to plan, to know how things will be laid out. Personally, I was a huge planner. From the time I was able to understand what relationships are like, I wanted to have a family. A husband, two children, a dog and a house that was cute. Hell I even wanted the picket fence. I knew from the time I was a little girl exactly how my life was going to go.
So when that plan changed, imagine my surprise. My initial response was fear. I didn’t know what I was going to do. My plan was not an option anymore, so now what?
I was taught how to read the future. My grandfather among many things was a powerful intuitive. He could read tarot so he taught me. I started to read cards from then on, doing readings for friends and family. He told me “Just be careful not to get stuck in trying to read yourself. With this gift we have, we don’t always get to know what’s supposed to happen for us which can be frustrating. You can’t get lost in trying to know everything before it happens. You just have to go with the flow, ok Kiddo?”
When my world came tumbling down around me however, I forgot what my grandfather said and started to use my gifts to know things for myself before they would happen. For the longest time I didn’t know why I was constantly looking for reassurance. I needed something to keep me sane, whole and hopeful. Especially when things got really dark. After a while it became a habit that was hard to break. I’d pull cards when I was upset, when things didn’t go my way. I would connect with my friends who had the same gifts and grill them about what they thought about my future. Would everything be ok? I needed to know. Immediately. It was a way to ease my pain or clear whatever discomfort I was in because I definitely didn’t want to be in it.
Over the last year I’ve done work around my need to know. Especially when I stepped into working with clients in their need to know. Since I completed my Reiki attunements I started to shift away from readings. I wanted my clients to feel empowered. I wanted them to know that they could trust in their path, in themselves, that they didn’t need me to reassure them on a regular basis. I was more of a tune up person they could come to see when they knew they were bogged down.
So why then, am I showing up for myself in the complete opposite way? I dug deep into where this need to know came from, it occurred to me that it had a lot to do with fear. I was desperately trying to protect myself from pain. Whether physical or emotional, I didn’t want to feel hurt. I was trying to brace myself from that pain and trying to get reassured that I’d be ok at the same time. A very interesting combination.
There are a million things I could share with you to shift this. There’s really only one thing that actually works.
That’s it. Seriously.
Trust. Have faith that everything will work out. Know that even when things seem dark, terrible and that they’ll never get better, that they always do. If you have to write down the word trust on 100 post it notes and leave them around your house, at work, in your car or where ever else you need to, great. Do it. Put the word trust as a screen saver on your phone. Remind yourself constantly, it’s ok to let go and trust that everything will be ok.
I’ve learned that not knowing is a beautiful gift. I get to experience life fully present because I have no idea what’s going to happen for me. I get to be surprised, to enjoy the twists and turns of my journey. Instead of worrying what will happen, I remind myself all the time that when I let go and trust in the universe, that things always work out the way I want them too. It’s a practice to commit to trust. I do it every day. Every day it gets easier.